Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Today I Didn't Cry

Today was better. I was busy every minute. We went shopping with friends for the better part of the day, then rushed home so DH and the other guy could go to work and I could meet S and go eat with her and the girls before their Christmas program at school. They looked so pretty in their new velvet and satin dresses. On the way there, Gabby said "I have a surprise for you at the program, Mom!" and Bahley said "She's reading a poem!" and then it was revealed that apparently Gabby had announced it earlier, so it wasn't really a surprise. The program was precious and when Gab had read her poem and was heading back to her seat, Bahley looked at her, mouthed the words "good job!" and gave her a thumbs up. It was really sweet. (If you saw them argue and fuss at each other, you'd appreciate the good times, too!)
This was Bahley's first school program and I thought their dad should be here watching this with us. I teared up, but I didn't cry. It's getting easier to hold the tears back. But I am feeling angrier.
What a great loss.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Moving On, I Guess

Today was just blah. I got up early, in anticipation of a shopping trip with a girlfriend, but we scrapped that idea around 7:00 AM when it was light enough outside to see what all the noise was about. The wind was howling and the temperature dropped from 49 degrees last night to 16 this morning. Everything was a sheet of glare ice, and we decided shopping could wait. We will try it again tomorrow.

School was closed, so I got up and saw the girls, had 3 cups of coffee, then went back to bed around 10. I slept until 2 - mainly for lack of interest, I guess.

I'm achey, and wonder if my cortisol has gone low. I rarely take Cortef anymore, and didn't think it was warranted today. But if I notice more achiness tomorrow and the following days, I will break down and take some and usually that does me a world of good. But I hate taking it when it's not absolutely necessary. I look forward to the day when I'm not hauling a medicine cabinet around in my purse "just in case".

We've had a great shock and I got through it without Cortef, so I figure my pit and adrenals are back on track for the most part. When/if I ever have decent health insurance again, I will go get that checked out.

I'm hoping tomorrow is better, but moving on is hard.

Monday, December 15, 2008


My DH and I are walking around like zombies, trying to do all the things that need to be done, but we are both aching and sometimes when we are alone we look at each other and just start crying and saying "I can't believe he did this" to each other. My husband is taking this really hard, I worry about him. What we are going through is called heartache for a good reason. It really hurts our hearts.

Today was the younger of the 2 granddaughters' birthday party and the paternal grandparents were here. I talked to Bill's mom a lot about random things and kept thinking how can she deal with this? She seems the same as she always is. And our daughter is not grieving and that confuses and disturbs us. Is she still in shock? She will see a therapist this week and I wonder if she will fall apart then. I am afraid for when she falls apart, and yet I know she needs to grieve in order to move on with her life. I know everyone grieves differently, but my husband and I don't think her behavior is normal. Still, she did find him, and has undergone an extreme shock. Is the shock protecting her from her new reality?

I got the girls' Christmas gifts wrapped and under the tree tonight. I want them to wonder and dream about those pretty packages and not think about the great loss that has just occurred in their lives.

Not yet, anyway.