Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Two Good Years, etc.

I wish I could write here consistently, but life seems to get in the way. Or maybe I just let it get in the way!

This is still a really difficult time for us. We miss Bill and we miss the family that we'd come to depend on. What I mean is, we just sort of took for granted that they would always be, and now that family is fragmented. Our daughter is not reacting to this death the way that we expected. I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but her behavior these past weeks is perplexing at best, and frightening at worst. She needs to grieve, and she is not. I know, I know, we all grieve differently. But she is not grieving. She's going on with her life as if he was merely erased from our memories. And that is frustrating and aggravating - because many many of us are grieving this loss. This loss belongs to all of us. But the memories they shared for 10 years have to be dealt with. I think she is afraid to feel her grief, but that's just my theory.

And yes, DH is out of work, but hopefully this time around it's just temporary. So he's not stressing about it, and neither am I. Yet.

I'm now 2 yrs post-op pituitary surgery, and I have some disturbing symptoms that I fear (and I HATE to even think this) may be a recurrence of Cushing's. I still feel better than before surgery, but my weight loss has stopped for the most part, and I only lost about half of what I gained. I have achey days, like the past two, where everything seems to hurt. The under the rib pain persists and I really suspect that has something to do with my adrenal glands. Some days I seem to do nothing but pee. Fatigue comes and goes, but I like to think that has something to do with depression. (I admit it - I'm depressed. I get depressed every winter when the sun hides for weeks at a time. And this year there are even bigger reasons to be depressed.) And I am not sleeping well most nights, even with the help of medication. Dr. F says it could be a recurrence, or low growth hormone, or possibly a thyroid problem, but he raised my Levoxyl dose and I'm not seeing a big difference after 6 weeks. Then there are the ever present digestive problems too - the local doc seems to think either ulcer or pancreas or possibly another blocked biliary duct. Whatever it is, being under-employed and paying $600 a month for high deductible insurance, I can't afford to start testing. So I wait and try to think positively.

Still, two years after surgery, I do not regret having had it for one moment. Even if Cushing's is rearing it's nasty little tumor-head once again, at least I've had two good years I wouldn't have had without the surgery. And that is counted among my blessings.