Beauty has meant different things to different people through the ages. The plump Rubinesque models of the olden days were considered gorgeous in their day. Women who look like that today are met with looks of scorn and possible ridicule. That bitch Twiggy came along in the 60's and ruined it for all of us women who have curves. Now if we don't look like we are on Death's Door, we do not meet the modern definition of beautiful.
I have never been beautiful. But I used to be attractive. I was thin back then. I ate a low fat diet and walked 3 miles a day and felt really good. I could go into a store and buy a size 5 and it fit, no need to try it on. If I lost a few pounds, a 3 would fit. And for a little while, I could wear a 2. All through my 30's, life was good.
At the end of my 30's...at age 39, my periods stopped and I started gaining weight. My digestive system started going whacky. I thought something was wrong, but all my doctors said was Well, you ARE getting older..hehe! Yeah, real funny. That was the beginning of my Cushing's, I am quite sure. Doctors not only didn't help me, they more or less laughed about my "problem". Well, you are getting older lady, get used to it! It took nearly 12 years to figure out that I had cyclical Cushing's and to get the treatment that would help me feel like myself again. Don't get me wrong, I am not thin. But I've lost right around 54 pounds now and I can breathe again, and don't have panic attacks, ever since my pituitary surgery. I could go on and on....I can go shopping, I am not being a recluse, everything is better. Is it perfect? Did I regain the body I had at age 39? NO!!! (Damn it!) I am living with the aftermath of Cushing's and don't believe my physical appearance will ever be what it used to be. Cushing's ravaged my skin, it is not taut or fresh. There are broken capillaries and my muscles are still not back to what they used to be. I have hanging skin. Not pretty. When I look into the mirror, I do see a glimpse of my old self, but for a long time I did not recognize that creature looking back at me at all.
I always wanted to be beautiful. I had 2 older sisters I thought were beautiful and I wanted to be just like them. The funny thing is that I do look very much like them, but never realized it. But now I look at pictures and say Is that me or Pat? and nobody can tell the difference.
When I was about 45, I had cosmetic surgery. (My husband and my older sister were both opposed to this, by the way. I told them I was doing it so that I could feel better about myself and they didn't argue.) I had a lower eyelid lift, liposuction under my chin, and permanent filler put in the nasal-labial fold. I was happy with the eyelid lift and lipo, the filler has not met my expectations, but what's done is done. Looking back, I believe that the rapid aging I saw around that time was from my hormonal condition. I also believe this surgery delayed my diagnosis. I didn't "look" Cushie, so doctors didn't take me seriously. But again, what's done is done. No regrets!
Recently I've been having to work at losing weight again. It's a constant struggle. And now, I've started thinking about all the time I've spent pursuing beauty. I feel I've wasted years doing this. I am now a round peg and I want to fit into that square hole, and it's just not happening for me. And then I hear Oprah has recently had the same sort of thoughts and she said something that I know is true. She said "I am not my body." How simple that is!!! And how profound.
The thing is though - other people cannot see the real us. Our first impressions are made through visuals. And as much as we think we are not judgemental, we all are. If I see a man walking around with socks and flip-flops, I immediately think "Fudgie". Now, you'd have to live in northern Michigan to understand that reference, but I would almost bet that all of my neighbors would jump to that same conclusion.
What I am trying to say is that I really am not my body. You are not your body. We are spirits trapped inside the vessels we were given to live our lives. Some of the most beautiful people I know do not have beautiful vessels by society's standards. It's taken me over 50 years to realize all of this. I'd like to think that I won't obsess over my weight anymore after this realization.
But that's not likely. I still fix my hair, get manicures and care about what I wear. If all of this is not important, why do I still care?
2 comments:
Mary,
another great writing. Im reading daily now. You still care because you spent your life looking "hot" and cushings did a number on you. We dont forget our pasts, our pictures, our place in the limelight, but we can change how we think to adjust to the new person. Manicures, nice nails, are a symbol of the person that was and can still be...in small bits and pieces, if not completely.
Great writing. love to you Judy
Very well said. I struggle with the same battles as do many others who face this disease. I'm past trying to be like the 'standard' but I'd sure like to look like I did two years ago. Its hard to feel feminine and pretty but Judy is right, we have to adjust how we think. That isn't easy . . . so keep getting manicures, pedicures, your hair done, whatever it takes to make you feel good about where and who you are now. At least that is something we are in control of!
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