My close friend's husband died this morning. It was expected for a long time, but it still always comes as a shock. He'd been sick with heart disease for over 20 years and everyone knew his days were numbered. His last days were in a hospital where he'd received 2 artificial pieces for his heart. His family held hope - up until yesterday. Yesterday they realized that the end was near. The family gathered to be with him at his passing and now they are experiencing that pain that no one understands until you've been through it yourself. And even then, grief is so individualized. I wish I could make them all not hurt. But the fact is they have to hurt so that they can heal.

The next few days will be a blur to them when they think back on it. They have funeral plans to make, logistics to consider, rooms to clean, memories to remember.

I want a funeral where people tell stories and share memories and laugh (and maybe cry a little), but mostly laugh. And I want lots of flowers...here where I live, people don't really do flowers and I think that's odd. I don't want religion - I want some classic Rock and Roll and a little bit of country, and just closure for my loved ones. I want them to feel "she lived a good life and now it's over" and to feel like the circle of life has done it's thang. The reasons I don't want religion at my funeral are many, but mainly they have to do with my relationship with God being very private and individualized. I don't think God requires pomp and circumstance to praise him. And I have resented very much going to a funeral of a close loved one and having an "invitation" during the service. To me, that was so wrong and it is still painful for me to remember that. 

I want people to tell my kids stories about things we did together and talks we had and how proud I was of each of them and how happy my life turned out. Because my life did turn out happy. It turned out happy against many odds.  

How ironic that I am writing about funerals and death when I just renamed this blog's description "Living Life". But, as much as we don't want to accept it, death is part of life. 

For the past few months I have been so sick, off and on, and really haven't been with it enough to blog or do anything else reliably. But right now I am going through a period of relative calm and health and have decided I am going to change my blog a bit. Though I am a Cushing's survivor, I am so much more and I just don't want to be defined by my illness(es). They are part of who I am, but they are not who I am. I'm a wife and mother, a friend, an aunt, a doting gramma, a poet, an artist, an appreciator of many things. (And a maker-upper of words!) So I may still discuss Cushing's, but it is not the focus of this blog OR of my life. I will share photos, art, recipes, funny things my grandkids say (oh come on, you know kids are funny!), ask the big questions and just be myself. I just want to live my life! Now, saying all of that, if anyone reading this blog has questions about Cushing's, ask away. I will help you in any way that I can. I want to always give back, because I had so many people who helped me when I was trying to get diagnosed.

So, onward and upward!

GRRRR

An obese model lying seductively in a red bra and black lace panties has become the poster child for why a husband should cheat on his wife in ads slapped across the Internet this week.

"Does your wife scare you at night?" asks an ad for Ashley Madison, the dating site that promotes affairs outside marriage.

As a woman who has to fight her weight constantly, and who generally is losing the battle, this ad infuriates me. Who says obese people are not attractive or sexual? AshleyMadison, apparently. What a bunch of despicable human beings.

There are so many reasons I hate this ad. I'd hate it even if it didn't feature an overweight woman. And the model says she did not give permission for this image to be used in this fashion. She runs a website for men who love big women and thinks they are sexy. She's used to being adored and treated well, not being used as an object of derision.

This ad implies that if there's something you don't like about your partner, then it's perfectly alright to cheat on her. Maybe next they will say "If she spends too much money on groceries, have an affair!" Or maybe even "He leaves the seat up? Have an affair!" I'm thinking the people who run that website think any excuse for an affair is a good excuse.

The CEO says it's better to have an affair and keep the marriage together than to just leave. It is my opinion that he really thinks his wife would miss him if he left. I think not.

Here's the link to the ABC news article about it:

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ashley-madison-fat-ad-shames-obese-women-porn/story?id=14908377#.TrszYkOXusp

I Will Think About It Tomorrow

I'm in Scarlett O'Hara mode. I had a serum cortisol test last week at 4 pm. It was 16. That's too high, but nothing is definitive at 4:00. The good news is the doctor who ordered the test knew it wouldn't prove or disprove Cushing's, but said if it was really high or low we'd know to check further. Honestly, I doubt that 16 will concern her. I wish it didn't concern me. But the stress I am constantly under lately might have something to do with it, too. I will think about it tomorrow - if I have to. Right now I feel ok (most days) and can live with it.