My Art

Bad News Comes in 3's

It's been a rough week for me and I can't get past a few things that have happened, but I am working on it. Last week, my ex-husband and father of my children died. He has not been doing well for the past few years and it was really not a surprise. The surprise was that when his sister called, trying to locate my daughter, a policeman got on the line and said they need to speak with my daughter and that they were taking possession  of the body for an autopsy. That shook me up, but I soon found out that's what happens when it's a suspected drug overdose. A very sad ending to a really tragic life...and it makes me sad. I cared about him and even though we had a terrible relationship and I felt like I'd gotten out of prison when I left him, we had made our peace. He would call just to talk or to complain about our kids not calling him, or to talk to my husband about a Red Wings game. He stayed at our house once when he had no place else to go for a few days. But over the past few years, he had called less and less and I probably only heard from him once in the past year. I wouldn't buy into his BS and would confront him about his abusing his pain meds and he would totally deny everything - even though he'd OD'd twice in the recent past and at one point was on a ventilator for a week or two afterwards. When he overdosed and lost his low income apartment, my husband and I went down to help move his stuff to storage. So I am sad about his death, and even sadder about his recent life. I feel really bad for my kids, who loved him but couldn't stand him...if that makes sense. They hated his drug obsessed lifestyle most of all.

He had 2 other kids by 2 other women and the oldest was a girl who was about 13 years younger than me. He had no relationship with the kids and both of their mothers had their new husbands adopt them. (I really knew how to pick 'em when I was young, eh?) When the girl, G, was 15, she got in touch and came to live with us in Colorado for a few months. I was so young and didn't know how to deal with teenagers. We were way too lenient. She eventually wanted to go home to her mom. I think she had some problems at school and also her dad beat me so bad one night while she was sleeping in the other room that my neighbors heard me screaming. I called the police and it was really a very bad scene. I had black eyes and bruises all over...looked like one of those posters you see about domestic abuse. (It was not the first time, and it wasn't the last, either. I wanted to leave, but was too afraid to.) Anyway, when we moved back to Michigan, she was 18. She came to see us one time overnight and then we would talk on the phone, but one day I called her and she wouldn't take my call and she never called or talked to us ever again. I really don't know why. My daughter was 6 at the time and that was her sister, but she never tried to keep in touch with her, either. My son never knew her because he was a tiny baby the last time we saw her. I heard many years ago that she'd moved to Florida and had a cocaine problem. I heard she had a baby, but no other details. So my daughter and I were discussing trying to get in touch with her because their father had died. I had looked for her many times online over the years, but didn't know if she'd gotten married or what her name was, etc. I could never find anything - until last night when I looked again under her maiden name and found her death notice. She died 3 yrs ago and none of my ex's family knew it. How could nobody know? I woke up early this morning and hoped that it was a bad dream, but it wasn't. We have no idea how she died. She was just 41. I think the kids might try to get her death certificate to see what the cause of death was. In the end, I am glad her father never knew she died. But my daughter has now had 2 losses to deal with this week.

Then this morning I took my new kitten to the vet because he was coughing and had runny eyes and I figured he needed to be wormed and checked out. The vet tested him for some diseases, and it turns out he has feline leukemia. I have cried half the day. He is the best kitten I've ever had and I have just loved the way he and our dog get along. My one granddaughter is totally in love with him and it just seemed like a good fit, and now I find out he probably won't live very long. It's crazy how quickly we get attached to a new pet, and  the thought of losing him just kills me.

That's 3 bad things in a row, so hopefully our luck will turn now.  The stress of this past week has me in pain tonight. But I'm going to go count my blessings and pray that our new grandbaby is born tomorrow. We need something good to happen.

I just started reading The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. I am so excited to start my own happiness project. Have you started one, yet? I think this should be our life's work - figure out what makes us happy, and then DO it. I know that's easier said than done sometimes. I will keep you posted.

I do know that it's much easier to think about what makes us happy when we are feeling good. I didn't have a good day, I am aching from my collar bone to my pinky and have no idea why, but feel pretty certain it will be gone tomorrow, because that is how it usually goes. I really hate not being able to count on feeling well. As much as I'd love to leave Cushing's behind me, it still affects my life more than I'd like.

Quote from the aforementioned book: "The Epiphany of the Back Spasm. Money doesn’t buy happiness the way good health doesn’t buy happiness. When money or health is a problem, you think of little else; when it’s not a problem, you don’t think much about it."

My close friend's husband died this morning. It was expected for a long time, but it still always comes as a shock. He'd been sick with heart disease for over 20 years and everyone knew his days were numbered. His last days were in a hospital where he'd received 2 artificial pieces for his heart. His family held hope - up until yesterday. Yesterday they realized that the end was near. The family gathered to be with him at his passing and now they are experiencing that pain that no one understands until you've been through it yourself. And even then, grief is so individualized. I wish I could make them all not hurt. But the fact is they have to hurt so that they can heal.

The next few days will be a blur to them when they think back on it. They have funeral plans to make, logistics to consider, rooms to clean, memories to remember.

I want a funeral where people tell stories and share memories and laugh (and maybe cry a little), but mostly laugh. And I want lots of flowers...here where I live, people don't really do flowers and I think that's odd. I don't want religion - I want some classic Rock and Roll and a little bit of country, and just closure for my loved ones. I want them to feel "she lived a good life and now it's over" and to feel like the circle of life has done it's thang. The reasons I don't want religion at my funeral are many, but mainly they have to do with my relationship with God being very private and individualized. I don't think God requires pomp and circumstance to praise him. And I have resented very much going to a funeral of a close loved one and having an "invitation" during the service. To me, that was so wrong and it is still painful for me to remember that. 

I want people to tell my kids stories about things we did together and talks we had and how proud I was of each of them and how happy my life turned out. Because my life did turn out happy. It turned out happy against many odds.  

How ironic that I am writing about funerals and death when I just renamed this blog's description "Living Life". But, as much as we don't want to accept it, death is part of life. 

For the past few months I have been so sick, off and on, and really haven't been with it enough to blog or do anything else reliably. But right now I am going through a period of relative calm and health and have decided I am going to change my blog a bit. Though I am a Cushing's survivor, I am so much more and I just don't want to be defined by my illness(es). They are part of who I am, but they are not who I am. I'm a wife and mother, a friend, an aunt, a doting gramma, a poet, an artist, an appreciator of many things. (And a maker-upper of words!) So I may still discuss Cushing's, but it is not the focus of this blog OR of my life. I will share photos, art, recipes, funny things my grandkids say (oh come on, you know kids are funny!), ask the big questions and just be myself. I just want to live my life! Now, saying all of that, if anyone reading this blog has questions about Cushing's, ask away. I will help you in any way that I can. I want to always give back, because I had so many people who helped me when I was trying to get diagnosed.

So, onward and upward!

GRRRR

An obese model lying seductively in a red bra and black lace panties has become the poster child for why a husband should cheat on his wife in ads slapped across the Internet this week.

"Does your wife scare you at night?" asks an ad for Ashley Madison, the dating site that promotes affairs outside marriage.

As a woman who has to fight her weight constantly, and who generally is losing the battle, this ad infuriates me. Who says obese people are not attractive or sexual? AshleyMadison, apparently. What a bunch of despicable human beings.

There are so many reasons I hate this ad. I'd hate it even if it didn't feature an overweight woman. And the model says she did not give permission for this image to be used in this fashion. She runs a website for men who love big women and thinks they are sexy. She's used to being adored and treated well, not being used as an object of derision.

This ad implies that if there's something you don't like about your partner, then it's perfectly alright to cheat on her. Maybe next they will say "If she spends too much money on groceries, have an affair!" Or maybe even "He leaves the seat up? Have an affair!" I'm thinking the people who run that website think any excuse for an affair is a good excuse.

The CEO says it's better to have an affair and keep the marriage together than to just leave. It is my opinion that he really thinks his wife would miss him if he left. I think not.

Here's the link to the ABC news article about it:

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ashley-madison-fat-ad-shames-obese-women-porn/story?id=14908377#.TrszYkOXusp

I Will Think About It Tomorrow

I'm in Scarlett O'Hara mode. I had a serum cortisol test last week at 4 pm. It was 16. That's too high, but nothing is definitive at 4:00. The good news is the doctor who ordered the test knew it wouldn't prove or disprove Cushing's, but said if it was really high or low we'd know to check further. Honestly, I doubt that 16 will concern her. I wish it didn't concern me. But the stress I am constantly under lately might have something to do with it, too. I will think about it tomorrow - if I have to. Right now I feel ok (most days) and can live with it.

Tribute

This post is a tribute to a woman who is well known in the Cushing's community, our own Mary O'Connor, affectionately known as MaryO to those whose lives she has touched. Mary had Cushing's Disease rear it's ugly head in her life in 1983, long before the internet. She diagnosed herself after reading an article in a woman's magazine, then spent a couple of years trying to get a doctor to listen to her. When she finally did get to treatment, she was amazed to meet other patients in the hospital who were going through the same thing. She decided she would make a difference by making Cushing's awareness her goal. She created and runs the website www.cushings-help.com that has thousands of Cushing's patients as members on the message boards there. (She does this all without pay!) She also runs several other websites and blogs. She has been an advocate for all of us.

Well, Mary, I have news for you. Your work is paying off! Recently I've been in a position to tell people about Cushing's. And they don't say "What's that?!" They say "Oh no! I know about that. Here - look at my sub-clavicle fat pads!" (I have to admit that I was slightly taken aback by that comment!) Others have told me they've read about it, seen it on TV, know someone who had it. Mary, the word is out. People are learning about Cushing's! Your work has made a difference. YOU have saved lives, and no doubt will save more just because people have access to more information, thanks to you. People no longer have to suffer alone or feel humiliated and crazy. We owe you, Mary. Thank you so much.

So now, let's all educate the doctors!

What Did Your Doctor Forget to Tell You?

Recently I made a new friend through a meetup group online. He's a 40 something man who is post-op pituitary surgery. He was on hydrocortisone for 4 months and then his doctor took him off the hydro as well as his Synthroid because in the doctor's words: "You are cured. You no longer need these medications." The poor man has been in terrible pain ever since. He is on pain killers for all the aches and pains, has no energy, and has told me more than once "I would rather be dead". I have been encouraging him to see a Cushing's expert, hopefully one who also is well-versed in thyroid disorders.

You see, when a pituitary patient is hypopit, it's not always as obvious when looking at test results, because in that case it's the pituitary that doesn't signal the thyroid, not that the thyroid itself isn't working. The doctor needs to know how to interpret the results, and unfortunately most pcp's and many endos don't know how to do this.

I don't know if my friend is hypothyroid, but I would bet you a dollar that he is too low in cortisol. His symptoms go right along with that. But my friend doesn't understand why he'd need to go back on hydro since he has successfully weaned. So he's been resistant in considering that this might be his problem. His doctors never told him about adrenal insufficiency, about emergency meds, or wearing a medic alert bracelet. He doesn't have Solu-cortef for emergencies and was not given a crisis letter to carry in case of emergencies. Let me make this clear: He had never even HEARD of adrenal insufficiency until I told him about the possibility last week.

Today I heard from him and he was in bad shape. He went to the ER several days ago, and they didn't do anything for him except check his heart. He was having trouble breathing, and he is in general in pain all over. Even though he told them he had recently had pituitary surgery, they didn't check his electrolytes or his cortisol levels. They sent him home feeling just as bad as when he went in. He knows he is going to lose his job over all of this, and that's the least of his worries right now. He wants to die.

Tell me why this has to happen. Are endos unaware of the possibility of adrenal crisis and possible sudden death because of it? Is that possible? Or do we matter so little to them? Or do they believe that giving us needed information will empower us and make us less reliant on them? Do they just forget?

I would really like an answer to this question. Patients deserve better.

Thought I'd let everyone know how life is going for me these days. Let's see, I'm working part time, and I'm enjoying it. I work in a department store and stand on my feet 5 hours a stretch....and I can DO it! No way I could have done this 3 yrs ago, and probably not even 1 yr ago. So I am still getting better! It has been a long road, but for the most part I have my life back.

I love interacting with the customers on my job. I felt so reclusive for so long, but now I love being around people. It's a miracle!

Not everything is peachy-keen, though. My headaches have returned recently, but they're not as bad as they used to be, so I'm thinking maybe this is just a sinus thing. I still have to try to balance things out - if I do too much (like recently when I painted for days on end), then I pay for it with fatigue and aches and pains for a few days. But I'm getting older, so maybe that's all that's about.

DH is still not working, but applied for a job yesterday that feels really promising. I have everything crossed!!! This would be ideal for him. Send prayers our way, wouldja?

We're still dealing with our grief over the loss of our son in law. I'm not sure we will ever get over that, actually. Still, there are good things: A daughter graduating from college in June, another was accepted into her nursing program, and our son is getting married and buying a house. So we have lots to look forward to.
Life goes on...

I think Spring has finally sprung. Funny how my body, mind, and spirit also seem to experience rebirth as the days get longer.

To be continued...

Baby Steps

I start every post by apologizing for not keeping up with my writing...so again, I apologize. I think part of the problem is that I am just turning inward so much lately. I am avoiding people and just keeping to myself (and family). I don't feel like sharing much, and am just holding it all in as much as possible. I really feel like I'm in hibernation. Waiting for winter to be over, waiting for something...not sure what...to happen. Yet though we've just gotten another big shot of snow, I somehow feel that Spring is eminent. I think the days getting longer is helping. Let's face it, winter where I live is depressing unless you are into snowmobiling, skiing, or otherwise freezing your butt off - which I am not. Wake me when it's over!!!

The stress of our lives this past year has changed everything. Not a day goes by that I don't worry about what will happen to us. Will we lose our home and have to move out of state in order to be able to make a living? Will we ever get past the pain of this winter's events? I don't know, I don't have any answers. I know I just need to hang onto some hope, and I am working on that. Baby steps.

Speechless for the Moment

Two Good Years, etc.

I wish I could write here consistently, but life seems to get in the way. Or maybe I just let it get in the way!

This is still a really difficult time for us. We miss Bill and we miss the family that we'd come to depend on. What I mean is, we just sort of took for granted that they would always be, and now that family is fragmented. Our daughter is not reacting to this death the way that we expected. I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but her behavior these past weeks is perplexing at best, and frightening at worst. She needs to grieve, and she is not. I know, I know, we all grieve differently. But she is not grieving. She's going on with her life as if he was merely erased from our memories. And that is frustrating and aggravating - because many many of us are grieving this loss. This loss belongs to all of us. But the memories they shared for 10 years have to be dealt with. I think she is afraid to feel her grief, but that's just my theory.

And yes, DH is out of work, but hopefully this time around it's just temporary. So he's not stressing about it, and neither am I. Yet.

I'm now 2 yrs post-op pituitary surgery, and I have some disturbing symptoms that I fear (and I HATE to even think this) may be a recurrence of Cushing's. I still feel better than before surgery, but my weight loss has stopped for the most part, and I only lost about half of what I gained. I have achey days, like the past two, where everything seems to hurt. The under the rib pain persists and I really suspect that has something to do with my adrenal glands. Some days I seem to do nothing but pee. Fatigue comes and goes, but I like to think that has something to do with depression. (I admit it - I'm depressed. I get depressed every winter when the sun hides for weeks at a time. And this year there are even bigger reasons to be depressed.) And I am not sleeping well most nights, even with the help of medication. Dr. F says it could be a recurrence, or low growth hormone, or possibly a thyroid problem, but he raised my Levoxyl dose and I'm not seeing a big difference after 6 weeks. Then there are the ever present digestive problems too - the local doc seems to think either ulcer or pancreas or possibly another blocked biliary duct. Whatever it is, being under-employed and paying $600 a month for high deductible insurance, I can't afford to start testing. So I wait and try to think positively.

Still, two years after surgery, I do not regret having had it for one moment. Even if Cushing's is rearing it's nasty little tumor-head once again, at least I've had two good years I wouldn't have had without the surgery. And that is counted among my blessings.

Christmas is Over

We got through Christmas. It was pretty rough, but we got through. We thought that would be the hard part, but a therapist tells us that the hard part is still ahead of us...after the letdown from the holidays. At least we are prepared for it now.

On Christmas morning, imagine the surprise the girls got when they saw this:



They were all excited to see those bootprints on the hearth. We have a little secret about those prints, and maybe we will tell them one of these days. For now, I will let you all wonder. Let's just say their daddy was with us here in spirit.

Tuesday night my friend Mona called me crying. Her 28 yr old nephew had died, the result of a drug overdose. Another senseless tragedy in our little town.

I'm telling you, this is getting old.

I attended the funeral today and when I got up to leave, my legs would hardly hold me up. A few steps and I was ok, but it was weird. I also got a low cortisol headache and came home and took a nap. When I woke up, I went for 10 mg Cortef and in an hour the headache was gone. I think I should have guessed that I was low in cortisol the past few days, since I've had some digestive problems that go along with being AI. Anyway, I feel better now.

Oh - if things weren't hard enough, DH might be out of work again. We will find out Monday for sure. They are eliminating the second shift where he works, but he might get a job on days. We'll see. To be honest, I am not even really too upset over this development after what we've already been going through. I figure it will all work out one way or the other.

S and the girls moved out yesterday. The house is quiet again. We miss them already. And we worry about how reality will set in for our babies now that they are on their own as a family of three.

We had a major thaw with lots of dense fog today. The weather matched our mood! Tomorrow we are supposed to get a blizzard. I hope it settles down soon. I need to get outside and go snowshoeing. And we all really need some sunshine.

Do me a favor and vote for our own MaryO who is up for a Health Blogger award on Wellsphere.com. If she wins this award, it will bring much needed attention to Cushing's. And she deserves it!
http://www.wellsphere.com/maryo-profile/96746

Today I Didn't Cry

Today was better. I was busy every minute. We went shopping with friends for the better part of the day, then rushed home so DH and the other guy could go to work and I could meet S and go eat with her and the girls before their Christmas program at school. They looked so pretty in their new velvet and satin dresses. On the way there, Gabby said "I have a surprise for you at the program, Mom!" and Bahley said "She's reading a poem!" and then it was revealed that apparently Gabby had announced it earlier, so it wasn't really a surprise. The program was precious and when Gab had read her poem and was heading back to her seat, Bahley looked at her, mouthed the words "good job!" and gave her a thumbs up. It was really sweet. (If you saw them argue and fuss at each other, you'd appreciate the good times, too!)
This was Bahley's first school program and I thought their dad should be here watching this with us. I teared up, but I didn't cry. It's getting easier to hold the tears back. But I am feeling angrier.
What a great loss.

Moving On, I Guess

Today was just blah. I got up early, in anticipation of a shopping trip with a girlfriend, but we scrapped that idea around 7:00 AM when it was light enough outside to see what all the noise was about. The wind was howling and the temperature dropped from 49 degrees last night to 16 this morning. Everything was a sheet of glare ice, and we decided shopping could wait. We will try it again tomorrow.

School was closed, so I got up and saw the girls, had 3 cups of coffee, then went back to bed around 10. I slept until 2 - mainly for lack of interest, I guess.

I'm achey, and wonder if my cortisol has gone low. I rarely take Cortef anymore, and didn't think it was warranted today. But if I notice more achiness tomorrow and the following days, I will break down and take some and usually that does me a world of good. But I hate taking it when it's not absolutely necessary. I look forward to the day when I'm not hauling a medicine cabinet around in my purse "just in case".

We've had a great shock and I got through it without Cortef, so I figure my pit and adrenals are back on track for the most part. When/if I ever have decent health insurance again, I will go get that checked out.

I'm hoping tomorrow is better, but moving on is hard.

Grief

My DH and I are walking around like zombies, trying to do all the things that need to be done, but we are both aching and sometimes when we are alone we look at each other and just start crying and saying "I can't believe he did this" to each other. My husband is taking this really hard, I worry about him. What we are going through is called heartache for a good reason. It really hurts our hearts.

Today was the younger of the 2 granddaughters' birthday party and the paternal grandparents were here. I talked to Bill's mom a lot about random things and kept thinking how can she deal with this? She seems the same as she always is. And our daughter is not grieving and that confuses and disturbs us. Is she still in shock? She will see a therapist this week and I wonder if she will fall apart then. I am afraid for when she falls apart, and yet I know she needs to grieve in order to move on with her life. I know everyone grieves differently, but my husband and I don't think her behavior is normal. Still, she did find him, and has undergone an extreme shock. Is the shock protecting her from her new reality?

I got the girls' Christmas gifts wrapped and under the tree tonight. I want them to wonder and dream about those pretty packages and not think about the great loss that has just occurred in their lives.

Not yet, anyway.

I've Been Tagged

Ok, time to lighten things up a little bit. Maybe it will lighten up my mood!

Christy and Jess tagged me, and the instructions are to write 8 random things about myself and then to tag 8 other bloggers. So here goes:

1. I grew up in New Harmony, IN, a town that was the site of a utopian experiment. It's a beautiful little town with a very rich history, and it was THE perfect place to grow up. Think Mayberry RFD with a bit more of a northern presentation.

2. I won third place in the Posey County Spelling Bee when I was in seventh grade. Still have the medal. I missed the word "edition", I thought they said "addition".

3. I have 4 children - 2 I gave birth to, and 2 that I was blessed with through marriage. At one point, we had 4 teenagers in the house! (I think I need another medal!)

4. When I was 15, the government essentially took away our home and 40 acres in order to put in a state park. (Eminent Domain.)

5. When my dad died in 1979, there was an auction set up by my stepmother. All of us kids had to buy family possessions at the auction, but I stole a couple of things. I should have stolen more.

6. I have lived in 8 states - Indiana, Illinois, Florida, Texas, Colorado, Wisconsin, Tennessee, and Michigan - had a bit of wanderlust in my soul before I had children.

7. I love a clean house, but am over being obsessed about it. Life's too short to spend all my time cleaning!

8. One of my ears is pierced 4 times, and the other has only one piercing. I love the odd and assymetrical.

Suicide and Loss

I'm writing this blog today to tell you about our son-in-law, Bill. Bill died last Monday by his own hand. We are coming out of the shock and going into grief, which includes sadness, guilt, and anger. Bill was married to my older bonus daughter, and they have been extremely happy together for about 10 years. They have 2 little girls that everyone adores. The girls are 5 and 8 years old, but will both have birthdays within the next month.

When our daughter met Bill, I will tell you honestly that we were not thrilled because she was too young for that kind of relationship. When she became pregnant with their first child right before graduation from high school, we were not happy grandparents-to-be. We sat at the graduation ceremony and cried because we felt she had really messed up. But then our little Gabby was born. She has red hair and brown eyes and really long black lashes, freckles and dimples! We didn't think God could make a prettier child and of course we fell in love with her the minute we saw her - and all was forgiven.

The night she was born, we were at the hospital with them and his mom and stepfather and other family members. After she was born, Bill came out and hugged his mom and he was crying. I loved him beginning with that minute. He was a good man, a good husband, a good father. He was good all the way around and DH and I came to feel that he was our son. He was an important part of our family, and we always said what a good husband our daughter was married to - we told everyone how great he was.

He had gone to culinary school and worked as a chef in different area restaurants, but never made a lot of money. When he lost his job, my husband was able to help get him hired in with the company we both worked for. People said he only got a job because of my DH, and that is probably true. But his work ethic and easy-going good attitude and humor soon won over our coworkers and nobody doubted that he was the hardest working guy in the press room. He always did more than what was asked of him, and he really enjoyed working there. He excelled at everything he attempted, both at work and at home. He really was a very special man.

My DH and I both lost our longtime jobs this past year. DH worked there 34 yrs and I worked there 16 yrs. We were maxed out on pay and benefits and the company is moving production to Brazil so they let us go. (God forbid the CEO miss out on his $3 million bonus this year.) It was hard on all of us. There is still resentment for how they treated my husband after all those years (by me). Bill had to go in there everyday, to a job he loved, but working for a company he was ticked off at. Two weeks ago, the company announced that they were closing the plant. We had tried to warn Bill that it was coming, but I really think he was in denial. Add to that a bit of marital problems, and Bill made a decision. He could not live like this anymore.

I went to his Facebook page and looked at his status reports over the past 2 weeks. There was nothing telling there, really. But knowing what I know now, I think I do see where the pain started for Bill.

The day before he died, he came to see us and cried and clung to us. He said "I love you" 3 times in 2 days, and I know that he did. He said "Thank you for everything you've ever done for me" that day, and though I thought that was an odd thing to say, I never dreamed that he was telling us goodbye. I'd been up till 3:30 on facebook chatting with him, and finally said I had to get to bed. We were meeting friends at the local watering hole the next day for lunch - did he want to join us? He only slept 2 hours that night. He came and had lunch with me, went back to work at 1, but was texting me by 1:30. He called me 3 times after lunch. At around 4:00, I walked into the kitchen to ask my husband a question and he had this look on his face. He sobbed out "Bill shot himself!" My brain could not even process that information. We know a few Bills and I think I said "Bill who?" before crying Not OUR Bill!!!! My husband and I stood in the kitchen clinging to one another and wailing NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Looking back, the whole thing is just surreal. The sheriff's dept called. We needed to come down to their house and get our granddaughters.

DH is a firefighter and paramedic and so we have a scanner. He'd actually heard the dispatcher call for EMS and says he sat there praying Please let it not be Bill, over and over until the phone rang.

Our family is devastated. Our daughter has moved in with the children and we are now trying to make things seem sort of "normal" for the children in a very bad situation. We downsized homes last year and so there's really not enough room, but she says she can never go back to their house, and nobody blames her. Her car can't navigate our private road, so there are logistics issues. And the kids don't quite understand how Daddy had this "accident". But we are all together, and I think that's good for all of us.

This blog is a tribute to a good man, a humble man, an exceptional man. If he could have seen what his death did to everyone who loved him, I know he would never have gone through with it. He had so many friends that some people told me they didn't come to the funeral only because there was just no place to park. The church was packed. Many shared good memories of him, and told what he meant to them. That was comforting. But he is still gone.

And so Christmas gets closer and we are not ready, and we are missing an important part of our family this year. We have traditions that involve him and now they are but a memory. How do we get through this?